Scene Challenge of the Week

Published December 19, 2012 by Yassmin Elnazer

Brian sat in the grass and watched the last sunrise he would ever see,he sat on the cold grass watching the sun setting between the mountains.Between the rocks he saw her features ,his beloved ,he remembered all the sun sets they watched together and wished for a last look in her eyes before the end of the world .Suddenly a star fell, he wished upon it and closed his eyes ,then suddenly gentle palms covered his eyes, he heard a voice whispering :’I knew you’d be here, shall I join you in the last earthy sun set?’,he said:honey ,together we will watch more sunsets with our souls up there in heaven,amen,I love you,more stars fell while they kissed their last kiss.

7 comments on “Scene Challenge of the Week

  • I really like the words here, and I like the tone, but you need a lot more punctuation. You have a very touching story, but a lot of it gets lost because there’s no way to tell where a phrase ends of begins. I think with the right punctuation this could be very powerful!

  • This is better, but there are a few things that need to be fixed. For instance, your first comma between ‘see’ and ‘he’ in the first line should be a period. You have two different sentences here, though they’re both part of the same thought. So first Brian sat on the grass and watched the sunrise, and then he sat on the cold grass and watched the setting sun. This is two different actions. However, you only need one of these. Either the sun is rising or the sun is setting, but unless you’re skipping twelve hours between these two sentences of your story, both can’t be true.
    Also, you don’t want to use colons to introduce dialogue. So instead of “a voice whispering: ‘I knew…’ You want to say, ‘a voice whispering, “I knew…’ You always use double quotation marks to set off dialogue, and if the dialogue is part of the action of the sentence, as above, then you separate it with a comma. If the dialogue is not a part of the action in the sentence, such as, ‘He looked at me with cold eyes. “So, you want to know what I think?”‘ Then you start the dialogue as a different sentence. You need to correct this at the end of your first dialogue, “…sun set?’,he said…” The question mark ends your sentence, so you don’t need the comma, and ‘he’ should be capitalized. Also, throughout the post, remember that a comma or period always comes directly after the previous word, and then a space separates it from the next word. In formal writing it should usually be one space after a comma, and two spaces after a period, but this standard isn’t often used anymore.

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