story challenge:Free

Published February 25, 2013 by Yassmin Elnazer

The rain kept falling drop by drop trying to catch each other,then all reaching their destiny on the floor all combined,mixing,how pure they are falling from the sky the end up into mud on the floor,no one taking the chance to understand them ,or feel their transparency,purity,from behind the bars he watched the falling rain and imagined them splashing on the floor,each drop hurt him inside,he closed his eyes,flew out of the tiny bared window,under the falling rain he stood with his beloved warming each other whispering under the rain,he opened his eyes,Adam’s’ eyes were hit by the sun rays ,noticed the tail of a rainbow,again he closed his eyes,spread his wings and started sliding over the colorful rainbow,looking for the golden pot at its’ end.No bars can ever imprison a free soul,no matter what free souls can go any where they wish with their wings of hope and dignity,just by a little meditation.

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One comment on “story challenge:Free

  • I really like the tone and feeling you have in this piece, but you definitely need to work on your punctuation. Remember that commas always have a space after, but not before them. So ,this would not be correct format for a comma , nor would this, instead this is the format you want for a comma. Also you need more periods. One good example of a place you need a period is after ‘purity’. This would be better as ‘purity. From behind the bars…’. Remember that a sentence in English is an independent clause (subject, verb, and possibly direct/indirect object). A dependent clause is a clause that is missing either a subject or a verb. So: The pain from childhood is a heavy burden: is an independent clause. However: The pain from childhood: on it’s own is a dependent clause. You can attach a dependent clause to an independent clause and still have a single sentence, but if you have two independent clauses put together, then you have a run-on sentence, and if you don’t have at least one independent clause then it’s a sentence fragment.
    Your word choice tends to be good, and your writing has a good feel to it. It flows well, and evokes strong emotions, but you need to work on your grammar to be really effective.

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